I'm Not Listening

Some Fun for our Readers

agjritt — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:34:20 +0000

This is a rather comical video by a man who claims to be a love guru. You can decide for yourself.

-Alyse & James

New Information

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:49:48 +0000

When looking for more background information on the role of gender in the demand withdrawal we came across another article that was interesting. It has a lot of technical mumbo-jumbo in the middle but at the end, the Discussion section is very helpful for anyone who is interested in looking at gender roles in conflict, especially the Demand Withdraw pattern. They concluded that while husband-demand and wife-withdraw is a part of some relationships, it was much more common for the wife-demand and husband-withdraw to occur.

Heres the link:

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/59/1/73.html

Gender and Social Structure in the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Marital Conflict. Andrew Christensen, Christopher L. Heavey

Additional Reading

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:37:53 +0000

Some of our readers have expressed an interest into where we get our information.
The following are sources we have used in our advice writing.

Caughlin, John P., and Anita L. Vangelisti. “An individual difference explanation of why married couples engage in the demand/withdraw pattern of conflict.” Journal of Social & Personal Relationships 17.4/5 (2000): 523-52. Ebscot Host. Web. 23 Sept. 2009. .

Hocker, Joyce L. Willmont, William W. “Interpersonal Conflict” McGraw Hill. 2007

Greeff, Abraham P., and Tanya De Bruyne. “Conflict Management Style and Marital Satisfaction.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy; 26.4 (2000): 321-34. Ebsco Host. Web. 26 Sept. 2009. .

Noller, P., and N. Roberts. “Withdrawal in the interactions of violent and nonviolent couples.” Australian Journal of Psychology 55 (2003): 55-56. Ebscot Host. Web. 13 Sept. 2009. .

Segrin, Chris, Alesia Hanzal, and Tricia J. Domschke. “Accuracy and Bias in Newlywed Couples’ Perceptions of Conflict Styles and the Association with Marital Satisfaction.” Communication Monographs 76.2 (2009): 207-33. Ebsco Host. Web. 26 Sept. 2009. .

Vogel, David L., and Benjamin Karney. “Demands and withdrawal in newlyweds: Elaborating on the social structure hypothesis.” Journal of Social & Personal Relationships 19.5 (2002): 685-702. Ebsco Host. Web. 18 Sept. 2009. .

Wright, Courtney N., and Micheal E. Roloff. “Relational Commitment and the Silent Treatment.” Communication Research Reports 26.1 (2009): 12-21. Ebsco Host. Web. 20 Sept. 2009. .

Hope these help our readers help themselves,

Alyse & James

Response to IDWtP

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:27:57 +0000

Dear IDWtP,

You bring up an excellent point;when we have been giving advice, we have been focusing on the gender of the parties involved in order to associate certain tendencies in which they take part. While this is an effective way to flesh out the roles that different people take in conflict, it is not limited by gender. We have been using that to describe the people involved in the conflicts because it is easier to do so. While this can cause some confusion, it is the simplest way to talk about it. We need to address the fact that these roles are not gender specific. It can be shown in research that these roles are more often than not taken by one gender or the other depending on the people involved, but it does not always work like that. Take demand withdrawal for example, most often the women are making the demands and the men are withdrawing. This does not mean that it happens like this in every relationship conflict.

So while there is a chance that we are not infallible, we were OK on this one.

Thanks,

Alyse & James

Reader Question 5

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:16:15 +0000

Dear Alyse & James

I think you might have some things backwards. Every time I try to talk to my wife about something she is the one that withdraws. She avoids everything and I have to dog her all the time to get her to help me. She is not the only woman I know that avoids her man while he asks for things. So is there a chance you have got this all wrong?

Thanks,

I Don’t Wear the Pants.

Response to Power-hungry

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:01:37 +0000

Dear Power-hungry,

You are right! We have not really explained ourselves, good call.
In all relationships there is a certain amount of power that each person holds. This power can be based an many factors. The power could be because one person wants something the other has, the person with that thing has more power. A large part of power is the idea of power currencies. Power currencies are how much people value particular resources in a relationship and how they are used in conflict within the relationship. According to Wilmot and Hocker the 4 major power currencies are resource control, interpersonal linkages, communication skills, and expertise. Resource control is the controlling of money, material possessions, etc. Interpersonal linkages is a currency that depends on interpersonal contacts and networks of people that you associate with. Communication skills are the ability to speak persuasively, serve as a mediator, eloquent speech in front of a group of people etc. Expertise is a special skill or knowledge that is not available to the general public or everyday people. It is usually associated with a certain position and the skills are valued by other people. This kind of power imbalance is common in romantic relationships too.
There is also an important balance of power based on society. In our culture it is believed that men have more power in society. And to be truthful most of them are just fine with the way things are. So when a wife or girlfriend wants to change something that the man is perfectly happy with, there is a power imbalance.
Often an imbalance is what ends up being a driving factor for demand withdrawal cycles.

Hope that cleared somethings up,

Alyse & James

Reader Question 4

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:38:17 +0000

Dear Alyse & James,

I have been reading your blog and noticed a lot of mention about power, but no real explaining. Would you mind going deeper on the subject?

Thanks,

Power-hungry.

Response to Conflicted

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:34:38 +0000

Dear Conflicted,
From what we can understand, it seems fairly apparent that your husband is a classic avoiding conflict style. Wilmot and Hocker define conflict styles as “patterened responses or clusters of behavior, that people use in an conflict.” When we say that he is an avoiding conflict style, we are not saying that he avoids everything he does not want to do, rather we are saying that given the option he will generally avoid conflict. While it may seem that often times your husband avoids conflict, that he does not care about the relationship or does not care about the issues presented, it is very possible that he does care about it but is unsettled by the idea of conflict. It seems that from what you have told us, you seem to have a competitive or possibly collaborative conflict style. This means that you generally like to deal with the conflict head on and address it in an effort to try and get it resolved. Two potentially problematic loops or spirals that your relationship could encounter are the Avoid/Criticize Loop and the Demand/Withdrawal behavior. The Avoid/Criticize Loop is when someone spends a good deal of time bringing up an issue that they have with someone to a third party. Demand/Withdrawal is a much more common and it is characterized by one party , who usually has less power in the relationship, demanding that a changes needs to take place within the relationship. The second party, who usually holds more power, generally resists the change because they like the ay the relationship is currently. You should try and be aware of your conflict style and also that of your husband in order to be more productive in your conflict. Please let us know how things turn out and also if this information was helpful in developing more constructive conflicts in the future.

-Alyse & James

Reader Question 3

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:01:52 +0000

Dear Alyse & James,

My husband and I have been married for ten years now. In the past couple of years I have noticed that he avoids things a lot. He doesn’t only avoid me when I am angry but he also avoids co-workers and friends if he thinks there might be an issue. Whenever I try to talk to him about things he either changes the subject or leaves the room. One time I asked why he did this and he said that he hates being in conflict and that it upsets him.
I am not the kind of person to avoid things. I like to get everything out in the open. It bothers me that he wont share his feelings, and every time I share all my worries he does nothing.
A friend of mine that is a professional negotiator said we might have differing conflict styles. What does that mean?

Thanks,

Conflicted

To Clarify

agjritt — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:40:40 +0000

In the past couple of days we have been getting alot of questions about how to stop conflict in a relationship. This is not our purpose. In all relationships there will always be conflict, there is no way to avoid this. Instead our purpose is to change couple’s behavior in conflict and make it more healthy and constructive.

Stay tuned for more advice!

-Alyse & James